I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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