I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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