i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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