i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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