the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize