Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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