oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize