I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
