Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
