I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have feelings that need drinking.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
