I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
