The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
