Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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