He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
