Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
