I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize