Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
