ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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