Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
