So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
