Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
