If that was your dad, he is hot
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
