I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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