So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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