Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
