i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
