Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
