is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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