if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize