god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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