I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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