I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
