I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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