Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
