I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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