she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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