We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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