I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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