we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
