can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Non-Jews are for practice
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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