They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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