if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
