U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
