Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I could make wine with my vomit
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
