youre lurking in front of me
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
