My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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