So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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