Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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