Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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