im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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