youre lurking in front of me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
