You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize