first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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