Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
