I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
