Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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