Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
