Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
