i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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