Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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