Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
