My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
