Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
