As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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