I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
