i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
