i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
