I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
