im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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