another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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