all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
