Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize