what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
