She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
