Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
