Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize